Wednesday, November 17, 2010

We've Moved!

I know, I know I have been fairly inactive on the blog front of late. Actually, complete inactive for at least 3 months, but that has been the result of a new development.
After some lengthy contract negotiations with (I was holding out for a Lear jet, they offered me a Razor scooter, we settled on a ride in Nat Herz's station wagon) This Is Not A Test has moved to become a FasterSkierblog.
I real blog on a real website? No way!
I know, a big step, but you can visit my 1 post right here and I will be posting once a week or so, so bookmark it, and check out some FasterSkier articles as well.
See you on the other side!

Friday, August 13, 2010

I Fought the Law, And...Well, Take a Guess

How Kieran Wished His Interaction with the Law Went

Officer: Can I see your license and registration?
Kieran: Here you go.
Officer: I pulled you over for driving in the high occupancy/car pool lane, which you knew it was.
Kieran: Hmm, interesting point, Officer. It is true that I was driving in the high occupancy lane with only one person in the car.
Officer: Well, that’s a $110 ticket.
Kieran: Really? You pulled me over at 2.30 in the afternoon for driving in a high occupancy lane when there were 3 other cars on the bridge? And I wasn’t even speeding? And the fine is only $110??
Officer: … yes?
Kieran: How does that make you feel?
Officer: Excuse me?
Kieran: Did you really just make our country a safer and better place? You pulled over a 22 year old who is a cross country ski coach, has never had a traffic infraction in his life, and is driving the speed limit. I have no drugs, alcohol, guns or dead bodies in the vehicle. I was not impeding traffic, driving dangerously, or being a risk to another citizen.
Officer: Well no, but you didn’t obey some signage.
Kieran: True, but as a sometime tax payer, your wage comes from my pocket, and therefore I expect a certain level of professionalism and efficiency in your job. While you pulled me over for a completely useless traffic stop, you could have focused your time on a brutal vicious murder, some gangsters holding up a liquor store, hell, maybe some illicit drug deals or a petty theft or two, which would actually have helped better our society. I am really glad you chose to spend half an hour with me instead – have to keep those ski coaches from driving in the wrong lane, or else the fabric of our society would rip apart and we would be left with anarchy and lawlessness.
Officer: Well, you do make some good points! You have destroyed me emotionally and morally, I may need to rethink my entire life and actions up until this point. Here, have $110 from my pocket. Are you in a hurry?
Kieran: Well, funny you should ask, I am.
Officer: Allright, well, let me hop back in my car, I’ll turn on the lights and siren, and escort you to your destination at 130 km/hr through all the lights and traffic.
Kieran: Sounds great, you’re a stand-up officer.

How Kieran’s Interaction with the Law Really went

Officer: Can I see your license and registration?
Kieran: Here you go.
Officer: I pulled you over for driving in the high occupancy/car pool lane, which you knew it was.
Kieran: Yes sir.
Officer goes back to his car, spends 20 minutes writing out the ticket.
Officer: Here’s your ticket – you have 15 days to either pay it or take it to court.
Kieran: Thanks.
Officer: Drive safely!
Kieran: You too…

The officer I was hoping to pull me over.

Monday, August 9, 2010


Not to be overly dramatic or anything, but on the radio this afternoon I heard what is probably the most disturbing statement of the summer. “I would rather spend $50,000 on a wedding dress than a car” said some random chick who is clearly way too desperate to get married and has her priorities in all the wrong places. Now, I realize this begs the question as to what the hell I was listening to (CBC radio, obviously – what else do I listen to??), but it really should beg a different question – what is WRONG with these people??

Seriously? What the F*CK am I going to do with this?? That thing wouldn't last ten seconds at 120 km/hr - my van is worth 1% of the price and is 100x more useful.

A quick list of things you will probably do with a $50,000 wedding dress:

- Wear it once

- Look at it

- Stick it in your closet

- Tell your friends and family you bought a $50,000 wedding dress, and then be mercilessly torn to shreds because your wedding didn’t have an open bar

A quick list of $50,000 cars which are way better than the abovementioned dress:

- Ford Mustang, no, I’m just kidding, if you’re going to buy one of these, just get the dress instead

- BMW 135i

- Infiniti G37

- Lotus Elise

- Volkswagen Golf GTI

- Porsche Boxter

- and yes, even a Honda Fit

That is just a very quickly brainstormed list – I could find dozens. If you have more to add, please do so! Now, for those of you still thinking about buying the dress, call me, and I will dispose of your $50,000 more wisely.

That looks pretty wise to me...

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A Week Off

Sure, I didn't blog for a week, and now everyone expects awesome quality and content. But to tide you over, here's my favourite picture I have found on the internet this week.

Harrison Ford, rocking the awesome even back in the Star Wars days. Mark Hamill... not so much.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Check here for a read...

While some of you feel it may be the height of hypocrisy for someone with my background and tastes to post such an article, I have a firm belief that it has just reinforced my decision to retire from competitive year-round training. If you follow the LTAD, it basically means I'm making a beeline for the 'Active for Life' side of things.
Why? Because I will never give up days like this...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The No-Frills Ten-Miler

Date: July 21st, 2010

Location: Experimental Farm, Ottawa, Ontario

Event: The No-Frills Ten Miler (For those using Canadian notation, that would be 16 k)

No Really, What’s the Event: The Showdown: ROUND 4

After a shellacking at the July Beaver Chase, which followed the close finish in the 10 k Canada Day Road Race, Brad was bruised, battered, and above all ready for some revenge. Enter the No-Frills Ten Miler, advertised at the Beaver Chase, and taken up after a few mini-pitchers of Rickards Red and some trash talk at the local watering hole.

The stage was set for an ultimate match up: not the dream ‘marathon’ that Brad was gunning for, and not the fun 10-15 k trail run which Kieran had envisioned. This meant only one thing – nobody was going to have a good time.

The Showdown was set for 6.30, Brad prepared by making sure Kieran had no idea where the heck it would start, and Kieran prepared by eating a couple of pita’s with peanut butter and honey while completely underestimating the time it takes to get to the Experimental Farm from Hunt Clun Rd. Can you see where this is headed?

(we will now convert to clock time)

-4:00 – Kieran screeches around the Experimental Farm desperately looking for something involving a run – cones, a big banner, people wearing running shoes, damn, why did this have to be a NO FRILLS (which means that the entry fee is low, as are the amenities and advertising) race!

-2:00 – Kieran finally spots a startline-esque spot, and then finds the correct parking lot. And then realizes that he can’t get into said lot.

-1:30 – Kieran pulls into another lot, rips off his shorts and sandals, jumps into his shoes and running shorts, grabs his keys and entry fee, and hits the ground running.

-1:00 – Why are there so many fences in the Experimental Farm?

0:00 – Kieran rounds a corner, sees the start line and Judi asking him what the heck is going on.

0:30 – Hands off keys and $20, joins the large pack as it heads out, and Kieran realizes that although his warm-up may have been non-traditional, he definitely started the race with an elevated heart rate. That’s what the coach always recommends, right?

1:30 – Brad and Aaron (Hey! He makes another appearance! The guy is practically a regular on this blog!) cruise up alongside uttering witty comments such as “nice to see you made it!” and “damn, I guess you figured out how to get here after all, now I don’t feel so bad about not giving you directions”. Kieran, still reeling from his warm-up, decides to let them forge on ahead alone.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Response

With The Showdown over, and all the naysayers proven wrong – that’s why I created the poll – one would suspect that things in the ‘running’ department would have cooled off between Brad and Kieran, aside from the continuous gloating on the ego-manic Kieran side.
This assumption would be dead wrong. In fact, Kieran and Brad have been at loggerheads since the victory in The Showdown (if Brad was writing this blog victory would be written as such - “victory” note the quotation marks). As many have observed, Brad (yes, Neil, it is in fact Brad – anonymous or misrepresenting commenting has not become all the rage on this blog yet – check FasterSkier for that kind of community) has thrown down the gauntlet, admitted defeat in the short distance, and plugged for a rematch on none other than the grand-daddy of road races – The Marathon.

In my opinion, this is not a fair fight. I draw you to the work comparison. I don’t expect to get paid the same amount per hour as a person in the same field who is 30 years my senior. That individual has accumulated a wealth of information that can only be gained by experience over time, and therefore the corresponding hourly rate should be much higher than some 22 year old kid who just walked in off the street.

Equate this to running a marathon – Brad has ran countless marathons (actually, 25 Ottawa Marathons alone – he has a bunch of others on his resume as well). He has a wealth of information regarding courses, pacing, feeds, and every other thing you need to know for running a marathon that I could not have hoped to accrue in my time on earth. Kieran running the marathon would be similar to a Juvenile Boy stepping on the start line of the 50 k at the Winter Olympics. The kid could ski, not as well as Northug, Kershaw and Hellner in the technical sense, but the motions would be similar. But he’s never raced 50 k in his life, and probably hasn’t even skied 50 km in one stretch. He hasn’t had the multiple years to build up the aerobic and muscular base to compete. It would be a slaughter.

However, because I don’t want to seem like a wimp on my own blog, I have a counter proposal.

I will not run The Marathon, and definitely not the Ottawa Marathon against Brad. The cards are simply too stacked in his favour, and I have an old football injury which is aggravated by running on pavement (wahhh, wahhh, I know). However, I will make the challenge that I will run any trail run of Brad’s choosing between the distances of 10 and 40 km. If it is in the woods, bear free, and involves mud, Kieran will be there. Count on it.