Monday, June 21, 2010

5 Ways to Fail Your Last University Course Distance Education-Style

As many of you know, I have only %97 of a History degree from the lovely University of Waterloo. Because they are such grinchy-bastards (read: Kieran failed a course and then only took 4 one term) I now have to take one more course before they hand me a goofy little piece of paper. Now, rather than hang around on campus sandbagging, lollygagging, taking up room in the barn and spending money on awesome if completely useless things, I opted to go the Distance Ed route, and take it at home, while at the same time trying to continue my life. The result is what follows.

1. Take a language course for which you have little aptitude. Mandarin, Russian, Croatian or Uruguayan are all good options. Personally, I went with French.

2. Take on as many other commitments during the summer as well as your course. Multiple jobs, volunteering with the homeless, find a roommate, catch up on a season or two of your favourite TV show. Cut the neighbours lawn, cut your own lawn, hang out with your neighbourhood Jewish kid. Want to get in shape? Lift some weights, go for runs. Lift weights while going for runs. Multiple times a day. Do everything you wanted to get done this summer, and then some.

3. Make sure it coincides with the World Cup. The event only happens once every four years, so you have to be careful with this one. With three games a day, and every game meaning a lot and taking up about 2 hours, there is a large amount of time you will not be able to dedicate to your studies.

4. Drink. Beer, gin and tonics, beer mixed with gin and tonics, they make things go better. After a few drinks, you will be in no mood to study, and in fact will be more interested in sitting in a hammock in the sun, napping, and finally throwing up repeatedly.

5. Browsing the internet. There are literally dozens of web pages on the internet. And you probably haven’t even seen them all yet. Interested in knots? There’s a website for that. Think 16th century woodworking is fascinating? There’s a website for that. Want to get caught up on your underwater basketweaving stats and statistics? There’s a website for that. In fact, there are so many websites that I promise you that you will never be able to visit them all. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying.

Coincidentally, I recently did some basic math and discovered that if I actually work all the hours a week that I am contracted to do, I end up with over a 60 hour workweek. And then this course, and this blog. For some of you who have known me for a while, you may find the thought of me even supposed to be doing that amount of work unbelievable. Believe it, sucka's!


  1. Awesome post. Grinchy-bastards might be the best description of UW I've ever heard. I was also looking at knot websites recently. I'm sure you'll pull it off, you've still got a couple months left in the summer term to get things together.

    Also, they speak Spanish in Uruguay.

  2. I must object to the Gin and Tonic remarks. I do recall that you solemnly swore off of hard liquor forever after an eventful birthday in first year.... :)

  3. interesting point, Luke. I have found an exception to that rule. trust me, its worth it.
    and Neil, that would just make learning Uruguaian even trickier, now wouldn't it...

  4. Hmmm...if its good enough for you to make an exception that is not a random shot here or a mixed drink there then I may have to try one sometime. Also, are you as excited as I am that Top Gear returns tonight?