Friday, June 18, 2010

Oslo Sprint

So the sprints were supposed to start 2 minutes ago, and I'm still watching ski jumping...
But to the important things.
Gatorade - check.
Pit in the bottom of my stomach telling me I had a few beer last night - check.
I wish I spoke Norwegian or something wierd so I could tell how many jumpers are left.
A quick scheduling check tells me that the event was supposed to end at 9.30 my time.
This is unacceptable.
Although Adam Malyzsh is now jumping, he won a pile of Olympic medals I believe.
He also has a super-greasy stache.

As some may know, playoffs began this week, so currently the majority of the people getting this are in fact out.
For the rest of you still paying attention/thinking about winning, I'll go over some qualification stats.
On the womens side, Kowalczyk won, just in case thats a surprise. On the not qual surprise side, Saarinen jumps out, as does Therese Johaug.
Again, like the last sprint, I will NOT be cheering for her.
On the men's side, Anders Gloeersen who is not owned by anyone in our league and has done nothing all year destroyed Joensson by 2 seconds.
Pretty flippin tight sprint field - Stef was 12 seconds back of Gloeersen, and was 84th.
Norwegians only qualified 9 men today, relatively light.

Showing results from 1st round of Ski Jumping, hope this means we get to see some skiing next.
Andreas Wank is currently last. And I'm not making that up.

Hilarious commercial for the Renault Megane - its english.

What the hell! They just switched to duel slalom or some garbage.
OKay good, just highlights.
Biathlon highlights, some dude unstrapped his poles and threw them into the crowd at the finish when he won.
Aren't there insurance policy rules against that sort of thing??
Nordic Combined highlights - that new ski jump looks sexy, but I bet it's even nicer up close. World Champs 2011, sign up for the Jones family plan.

Quick check of the FIS Livetimer still has no results, so it may not have started. And I got out of bed this early for nothing...

Approximately 1 minute until something happens, according to the annoucers.
ANOTHER guy is getting on the ski jump. Good god.

Women's heats up on the livetimer, but still no TV coverage.
I could really go for some chili right now.

2 Ski jumpers to go, then hopefully Eurosport will switch to catch the last women's 1/4 final.
Annnnd for everyone's Ski jumping pool, you'll be happy to know Simon Ammon won.

Mens Heat 1
Hellner - Derek!

Pellegrino goes out front and goes HARD, gapping the others.
Gloeersen stuck in the back.
Oooh, and one of the Russians goes down! Kruikov I think.
Gloeersen has worked his way back, and he and Hellner go by the Italian, who is out of gas.
Hellner leading Gloeersen and Moriloov, Pellegrino is toast.
Sick jump on the way into the stadium.
Hellner and Gloeersen, Morilov tight third.
Shitty finishing straight right after a downhill means the sprint finish blows.
Hellner qualifies 30th, but gets through, pretty impressive work.

Heat 2 Men
Tamborino - no one
Paakonen - no one, but his nickname is the Hammer
Jesper Modin - Derek
Clausen - no one
Pasini - jess, cause she owns both

Paakonen and Clausen go hammertime from the gate.
Might not be such a great strategy, judging from last heat.
Modin works his way up the outside next to Paakonen.
Tamborino gets tangled up in the same place as Kruikov last lap and goes down!
I don't get it, its a flat 90 degree turn, its not rocket science.
Paakonen makes a move... 4 guys cross the line together.
Modin and Pasini get through, Paakenen makes an inspired lunge, but loses.
Maybe he should have used his Hammer a little earlier.

Heat 3
Peterson - Kieran
Hammer - seriously, thats actually his name
Gloeersen - a different one this time

And Gloersen is off the back instantly, i have no idea how he made the heats.
Makes it easier for the other 5 guys though.
Peterson controlling the pace, looking good.
Hammer is wearing some sick purple tights.
Petukhov takes off, Peterson is having none of it.
Jylhae stumbles in third.
Final stretch, going to be tight, Peterson crashes with Jhylhae after the lunge, which Jylhae won.
Replay shows Gloeerson breaking a pole at the start, that explains it.

Heat 4
Hattestad - Kieran
Joensson - Jess
Bransdal - has been hot of late
Lykka - rando Norway
Pettersen - Mox

Joenssen is in the middle of a Norwegian sandwich.
Man there is a lot of red in this heat.
Pettersen leading, with Joenssen on his tails.
And Pettersen goes down! And he's TICKED!
Hattestad vs. Joenssen, but Bransdal has a gap.
Bransdal takes it easily, with Joensson right behind him.
Replay shows Joensson just pushing Pettersen's feet out from under him.

Pasini - Jess
Tscharnke - Beans
Kjoelstad - Burgess
Andy Newell! - Nellie
Kreczmer - Polish dude who usually sucks

And he's off the back, confirming my theory, while Bryntesson gets the hole shot.
Pasini steps on Bryntessons poloe, the Swede responts by cutting him off viciously.
Tscharnke moves up beside Bryntesson, who I hope gets this heat because his name takes too long to spell.
Newell not looking so hot caught in the back.
Bryntesson and Pasini don't realll like each other.
Bryntesson steps on Pasini's pole this time as Kjoelstad goes to the front.
Newell makes a heroic charge from 4th!
Bryntesson eats shit on his face 3 meters before the finish line.
Kjoelstad, Newell and Pasini photo finish, with Kjoelstad winning the award for worst lunge ever.
I actually think he lunged backwards. He tried to avoid the finish line.
Result: Pasini - Newell - Kjoelstad the idiot.

Womens Semis

shitty time for a commercial break Eurosport.
Kowal picked the outer lane to start in, which blows. What an idiot.
Brun Lie stumbles , but unlike everyone else on that corner, stays up.
Kowal is making a move on the outside.
Crash! Brun-Lie and Olsson get tangled up and go down.
Leaving Kowalczyk in command, good god karma is a bitch.
Bjoergen, Kowal, Bucher
Hahahaha, replay shows Kowalczyk almost fell over backward before she even got to the finish line.
Should be an auto-DQ for looking that terrible.
Oooh, crash replay shows Brun Lie may have gotten hooked on a course marshall. Get your autographs AFTER the race you bonehead.

Randall - Nellie Dow!
Falk - Derek, thats you
Fabjan - Kieran, and shes back in the sick yellow suit
Didn't catch the last chick, but she won't be a factor.

Paper Planes by MIA is playing, for those interested.
Falk dummies everyone in the opening straight.
Korosteleva is off the back, shes fresh out of EPO i think.
Interesting sidenote, I believe Vesna Fabjan is dating Hattesttad.
Into the trouble section before the short uphill.
No crash this time, but Fabjan ends up in the leads cause everyone else went to the sides.
Falk looking a little tired, but Randall on her right looks hungry. Someone get her a burger.
Kikkan hammer down in the final straight for the win!
But wait, our favourite EPO abuser came out of nowhere!
Korosteleva, Randall, Falk, Fabjan

Mens Semi 1
Gloeersen - who actually has done okay this year, i just checked

Gloeersen is killing it like his bib number says he should
Modin goes to the front and drops the pace.
Pasini rips by and ups it again.
Gloersen retakes the lead around the tight corner, and the pack almost eats shit en masse.
Crash flat before the hill, but everyone stays up again.
Wow that hill looks soft and nasty.
Gloeersen looking around, with Morilov on his tail.
Gloersen and Morilov easily, Hellner was about a ski length back.
That means he's out Derek. Don't cry.

Men's Semi 2
Andy Flipping Newell - Nellie Dow
Pasini - Jess
Petukohov - Derek
Joenssen - Jess
Paakonen - yes, his nickname is STILL the Hammer

Joenssen goes to the front easily
The Hammer is right on his tail, and goes to the front.
Not sure how Andy is planning on getting out of this one, he's sitting at the back of the pack.
Petukov comes to front, puts the screws on Paakonen.
Ohhh, Pasini goes down on the mushy uphill, and holds up Andy.
There will be no Newell in the final this time.
Bransdal hot in the finishing stretch again, cruises to the win over Petukhov.
Think Joensson ended up third, but the other heat was faster.

Women's Final
Bjoergen - Mox
Kowal - wearing the yellow bib. That's not a slur Beans, I know you think I'm biased. But she still has the biggest shnoze on the startline.
Bucher - not sure how she got to the Final
Kikkanimal - Nellie Dow, your Americans are good
Falk - Derek

And Kowal picked the shitty lane agaaain. What is wrong with her?? Other than the obvious.
Kowal off the back immediatly. Should have listened to me Justyna.
Kowal powers her way to front using guile and tactics. And by that I mean brute force and eating small Norwegians.
Bjoergen responds, and trips!
But stays up, AND at the front. Wow.
Kikkan is sitting right behind Kowalczyk, looking dangerous yet again.
Flat, small uphill, Kowal pushes EPO girl into the bushes while Bjoergen and Kikkan go to pound town.
Kowal looking rattled in 3rd with EPO girl right beside her.
Kikkan! I think! FF with the druglord who ate shit all over the finish line.They still haven't found an EPO to make you better at balancing apparantly.
Kowal 4th, Falk 5th, Bucher 6th.

Kowal gives the worst handshake ever to Bjoergen at the finish line.
Finish line interview with Bjoergen in English. She had good skis. She is happy. She didn't think about the win today.

Men's Final
Hellner - no flippin way. Qualified 30th, gets his butt to the Final.
Modin - Derek
Morilov - Beans

Gloersen out front again.
Russians killing on the outside up the first hill.
Brandsdal at the back, looking cooked and out of it.
Hellner takes the lead, stretches things out on the flat.
Heading into crash central and the soft uphill Gloersen retakes the lead.
Modin seems to have given up, not sure what happened there.
OOOOOOh, Gloersen takes the W but it was close.
Petukhov second, Hellner third at the moment.
Kikkan is still hanging out around the finish line.
Dirty lunge by Gloersen got it done, but Petukov was actually that close.

Morilov, Bransdal and Modin round out the top 6.

Well, thanks again for reading something which wasted 2+ hours of my life.
If you just skipped ahead to the end, good for you, you avoided a lot of useless rambling.

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