Friday, August 13, 2010

I Fought the Law, And...Well, Take a Guess

How Kieran Wished His Interaction with the Law Went

Officer: Can I see your license and registration?
Kieran: Here you go.
Officer: I pulled you over for driving in the high occupancy/car pool lane, which you knew it was.
Kieran: Hmm, interesting point, Officer. It is true that I was driving in the high occupancy lane with only one person in the car.
Officer: Well, that’s a $110 ticket.
Kieran: Really? You pulled me over at 2.30 in the afternoon for driving in a high occupancy lane when there were 3 other cars on the bridge? And I wasn’t even speeding? And the fine is only $110??
Officer: … yes?
Kieran: How does that make you feel?
Officer: Excuse me?
Kieran: Did you really just make our country a safer and better place? You pulled over a 22 year old who is a cross country ski coach, has never had a traffic infraction in his life, and is driving the speed limit. I have no drugs, alcohol, guns or dead bodies in the vehicle. I was not impeding traffic, driving dangerously, or being a risk to another citizen.
Officer: Well no, but you didn’t obey some signage.
Kieran: True, but as a sometime tax payer, your wage comes from my pocket, and therefore I expect a certain level of professionalism and efficiency in your job. While you pulled me over for a completely useless traffic stop, you could have focused your time on a brutal vicious murder, some gangsters holding up a liquor store, hell, maybe some illicit drug deals or a petty theft or two, which would actually have helped better our society. I am really glad you chose to spend half an hour with me instead – have to keep those ski coaches from driving in the wrong lane, or else the fabric of our society would rip apart and we would be left with anarchy and lawlessness.
Officer: Well, you do make some good points! You have destroyed me emotionally and morally, I may need to rethink my entire life and actions up until this point. Here, have $110 from my pocket. Are you in a hurry?
Kieran: Well, funny you should ask, I am.
Officer: Allright, well, let me hop back in my car, I’ll turn on the lights and siren, and escort you to your destination at 130 km/hr through all the lights and traffic.
Kieran: Sounds great, you’re a stand-up officer.

How Kieran’s Interaction with the Law Really went

Officer: Can I see your license and registration?
Kieran: Here you go.
Officer: I pulled you over for driving in the high occupancy/car pool lane, which you knew it was.
Kieran: Yes sir.
Officer goes back to his car, spends 20 minutes writing out the ticket.
Officer: Here’s your ticket – you have 15 days to either pay it or take it to court.
Kieran: Thanks.
Officer: Drive safely!
Kieran: You too…

The officer I was hoping to pull me over.

Monday, August 9, 2010


Not to be overly dramatic or anything, but on the radio this afternoon I heard what is probably the most disturbing statement of the summer. “I would rather spend $50,000 on a wedding dress than a car” said some random chick who is clearly way too desperate to get married and has her priorities in all the wrong places. Now, I realize this begs the question as to what the hell I was listening to (CBC radio, obviously – what else do I listen to??), but it really should beg a different question – what is WRONG with these people??

Seriously? What the F*CK am I going to do with this?? That thing wouldn't last ten seconds at 120 km/hr - my van is worth 1% of the price and is 100x more useful.

A quick list of things you will probably do with a $50,000 wedding dress:

- Wear it once

- Look at it

- Stick it in your closet

- Tell your friends and family you bought a $50,000 wedding dress, and then be mercilessly torn to shreds because your wedding didn’t have an open bar

A quick list of $50,000 cars which are way better than the abovementioned dress:

- Ford Mustang, no, I’m just kidding, if you’re going to buy one of these, just get the dress instead

- BMW 135i

- Infiniti G37

- Lotus Elise

- Volkswagen Golf GTI

- Porsche Boxter

- and yes, even a Honda Fit

That is just a very quickly brainstormed list – I could find dozens. If you have more to add, please do so! Now, for those of you still thinking about buying the dress, call me, and I will dispose of your $50,000 more wisely.

That looks pretty wise to me...

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A Week Off

Sure, I didn't blog for a week, and now everyone expects awesome quality and content. But to tide you over, here's my favourite picture I have found on the internet this week.

Harrison Ford, rocking the awesome even back in the Star Wars days. Mark Hamill... not so much.