I have not been blogging furiously due to a few circumstances, most notably being locked in a cage during the G20 protests. Luckily I avoided a police beat down as well as getting lit on fire by some dudes in black clothes (I think they were Death Eaters). I also blame my boss, Nat Herz, for taking up all my time by reporting on Petter Northug and Marcus Hellner in Las Vegas, and then demanding high quality in my writing. Damn you, Nat, for making my work as good as it is!!
Regardless, I have a few notes from my life. Nothing crazy, just things you notice sometimes.
- Breaking and entering with a full suit (shirt, shoes, tie, jacket, etc.) is possible, but keeping the aforementioned suit clean is tricky
- Having a bouldering wall in your backyard, even if it’s
only rated for 13 years of age and 105 pounds maximum is AWESOME
- A toonie sized hole in the exhaust pipe of your car does not make it sound cooler. It only makes you look like a huge tool at stoplights. Especially when you drive a minivan.
- Buy your beer in Quebec – 3 12 packs of above-average quality beer (Keiths, Sleeman Silver Creek, Sol) cost me just $56, or about 2/3rd’s of what it would cost in Onterrible
- Putting your bread in a plastic bag desgined with holes to drain and store veggies during a heat wave is a good way to grow mold in a hurry
- When someone says they’re going to pick you up at a certain time, it’s generally a good idea to be out of bed before they arrive in your driveway
- When someone gives you a fistbump randomly in downtown Ottawa, you should probably just go with it
- Deep water free solo climbing after not climbing at all for 3 months is generally more difficult than you remembered it being
- CBC Radio 2 is far, far better than one would suspect
- After you beat your greatest nemesis in a road running race, it does not mean you can automatically run the next road race you enter with the leaders
- While answering the door wearing only your boxers at 2 PM would be frowned upon most times, such conventions should be waived during heat waves
- Watching a dog attempt to catch a squirrel in a tree 10 meters above the dogs head may be one of the most entertaining things in the world
- Root beer is making a comeback – you heard it here first
- If you’re playing Monopoly, even NHL Monopoly, when you start shooting for second place after 4 trips around the board, you know its going to be a tough night
- Nerf Guns are in fact just as awesome at 22 years old
- When wearing funky hats, make sure you forget you’re wearing them as soon as possible. It’s much more entertaining for the person you’re talking to
- Dudes wearing parachutes in road races are NOT appreciated by race organizers
Again, not comprehensive by any means, but simply some quick hits. Some may spawn full blog posts, some may confuse you, some you may find utterly idiotic. Unfortunately for you, this blog is not a democracy, so suck it.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
And It's Official....
For those in tune to the world of skiing, Kieran now thinks he's pretty awesome.
For those who are not, Kieran is just writing on some lame-ass fringe sport followed by a few wierdo's who no one in their right mind would be associated with.
But in the words of the immortal Nat Herz: "look who's a huge baller now!"
If you're still confused, check out:
http://www.fiscrosscountry.com/news/oliver-kraas-retired-from-competitive-skiing,1223.html
For those who are not, Kieran is just writing on some lame-ass fringe sport followed by a few wierdo's who no one in their right mind would be associated with.
But in the words of the immortal Nat Herz: "look who's a huge baller now!"
If you're still confused, check out:
http://www.fiscrosscountry.com/news/oliver-kraas-retired-from-competitive-skiing,1223.html
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Olympic Photo You May Not Have Seen
I was tipped off to this photo while looking through my Olympic photo's with a friend. Good catch, Pav!
Justyna 'I have no style' Kowalczyk out-lunges Kristin 'I love coming 4th in big races' Stoermer Steira. Stoermer Steira disappoints Kieran's Fantasy Skiing Team, Justyna disappoints the entire skiing world by not being DSQ'ed.
Justyna 'I have no style' Kowalczyk out-lunges Kristin 'I love coming 4th in big races' Stoermer Steira. Stoermer Steira disappoints Kieran's Fantasy Skiing Team, Justyna disappoints the entire skiing world by not being DSQ'ed.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Canada Road Race - The Race Report
6.57 AM – Kieran rolls out of bed to the sound of Brad banging down his door, and the Barters arriving to drive the Jones’ to the race.
7.03 – Kieran walks out the door fully kitted, including breakfast, shorts, and a bathroom break.
7.51 – Minimal warm-up takes place. Some light jogging, followed by some heavier jogging, and finally, some really heavy jogging.
8.00 – Start line time. Aaron and Kieran are about 50 people back from the front, Brad is about the same distance, but on the opposite side of the road. He’s not going to be a threat.
Kieran: “Allright, I’ll see you at the finish line”
Aaron: “Hold on, I thought we were warming up the first few kms together?”
Kieran: “Hurrghhghg”
(times will now switch to race time)
0:30 – Kieran and Aaron tackle the crowd, dusting old ladies, babies, and dudes who wear water bottle holders during a 10 km.
3:40 – Kieran and Aaron, still together, hit the 1 km mark only about 30 seconds behind the guy in the lead, who is running with a blue parachute attached to his back.
3:50 – Kieran decides that the pain in his legs is probably due to the lengthy Owl training camp, and the unsustainable pace over the first km, and decides to let Aaron go, in the interest of finishing.
12:04 – After being passed by a whole pile of people, Kieran hits the 3 km mark, takes a look back on a corner, and sees a black hat, a white singlet, and a really skinny dude. Brad!
16:14 – 4 km. With his km splits dropping about 5-10 seconds per km, panic has begun to set in. ‘Are we really only 4 km in?? My legs hurt! I think the wheels are coming off…’ Kieran thinks to himself. But also determination – new goal, get to 5 km before Brad shows up.
19:01 – Long strait stretch into a head wind, and Kieran is caught alone with no big guys to block the wind. A quick look back shows Brad (5’9 – 130 pounds soaking wet) tucked in behind a 6’2 monstrosity of a windbreak. Brad is clearly being sucked along in Shrek’s draft, and the two are closing quickly. Shrek blows by Kieran, and Brad’s shoes and breath are now clearly audible. In return, Kieran ups the pace, thinking he will break Brad with a couple of minutes of up-tempo running, as Brad clearly just spent the last 3 km playing catch up.
19:50 – It didn’t work. Brad is still closing.
20:04 – 5 km mark, and Kieran crosses it first! Brad is two steps behind, and he can smell the fear. Or the nasty stench of a quick dry shirt being sweated in.
20:15 – Brad runs up beside Kieran. The two exchange a few words – Brad: “How are you doing??” Kieran: “Not so good, think things are coming apart here…” At which point Brad thinks to himself ‘the race starts now, bucko’.
20:50 – First uphill. Okay, slight incline, as much of an uphill as exists in Kanata. Brad puts the hammer down, and Kieran tries to respond, but can’t handle the pace! 200 meters of slight uphill pavement, and Kieran has dropped 30 seconds! Despair trundles through Kieran’s head, followed by his close friends Humiliation, Pain, and finally Resolve. The four proceed to sit down, crack some beers, and have a round table discussion on how to continue the rest of the race.
26:30 – Kieran hits the 6.5 km mark in pain, but Brad is still in sight. Not close, not far, but the 150 meters separating the two seems like the Berlin Wall to Kieran. Resolve has taken control of the round table discussion, has beaten Despair and Pain into submission, and is using Humiliation as crowd control. Kieran is just trying to stay in contact.
28:33 – At 7 km, things have stabilized. Brad is no longer pulling away, but is still ahead. Kieran has stopped hemorrhaging time on each km marker. After some debate, Kieran opts to put it in cruise control, and charge up the guns for his usual Petter-Northug-esque finish, which, if he can close a few more meters, he feels it will be enough.
34:45 – At roughly 8.5 km Kieran hits the final water station – looking for Gatorade, but finds only water. No extra boost for the final 1.5 km. The distance to Brad has not closed, and Doubt has now joined Resolve and Humiliation at the party in Kieran’s brain, and he’s brought Gin and Tonics. Pain has also rallied, causing problems for Resolve, and Humiliation has passed out, offering no help.
35:05 – Kieran rounds the 3rd last corner onto a long straight section, and sees just how much distance separates him from Brad. At the same time, two dudes make a push past Kieran at a good clip – it’s now or never for the younger Jones, and he hops on the back to take a chunk out of Brad’s lead. Slowly, the gap closes as Kieran and his two new best friends creep up on Brad, who is running alone.
36:50 – At 9 km, the gap has been closed a little, but the hustle has taken its toll on Kieran. His two friends have leaped out ahead, leaving Kieran stumbling along. After some quick mental math, he realizes that to break 40 minutes (his backup goal) Kieran will have to run a 3 minute last km. Which seems unrealistic.
37:50 - Aaron finishes, far, far ahead of Kieran and Brad. He claims he spent the last 2.5 km running scared while listening for Jones' heavy breathing and characteristic finishing speed. He really didn't have to worry.
38:23 – After wallowing in self pity, a spark is suddenly injected in Kieran’s step. Brad seems to be slowing! The gap is closing at an unbelievable rate! ‘Can it be possible??’ thinks Kieran ‘Has Brad hit the wall with less than 1 km to go? Or does he know I’m here and he’s saving his speed, waiting for me to try the patented charge from the back in the last 100 meters??’ Hope has now gatecrashed the party in Kieran’s brain, and he’s brought a keg.
39:04 – Kieran rounds the second last turn, and has Brad in his sights, Top Gun style - ‘Too close, Switching to Guns’.
39:40 – In a group of 4 or 5, Brad rounds the last corner, and unbeknownst to him Kieran is only 5 meters back. At the sight of the finish line banner, Kieran rounds the corner, picks the inside of the group to keep himself hidden from Brad as long as possible, explodes through the tight pack, destroying his two friends from earlier, and leaving Brad with his ears ringing and ego shattered. Kieran’s unbelievable sprint finish kick doesn’t fail him – the last 100 meters remain his domain.
40:23 – Kieran crosses the line in 46th place, and resists the temptation to fist pump.
40:27 – Brad crosses the line in 50th place, good enough for 5th in his age category, but second in the category that mattered – The Showdown.
7.03 – Kieran walks out the door fully kitted, including breakfast, shorts, and a bathroom break.
7.51 – Minimal warm-up takes place. Some light jogging, followed by some heavier jogging, and finally, some really heavy jogging.
8.00 – Start line time. Aaron and Kieran are about 50 people back from the front, Brad is about the same distance, but on the opposite side of the road. He’s not going to be a threat.
Kieran: “Allright, I’ll see you at the finish line”
Aaron: “Hold on, I thought we were warming up the first few kms together?”
Kieran: “Hurrghhghg”
(times will now switch to race time)
0:30 – Kieran and Aaron tackle the crowd, dusting old ladies, babies, and dudes who wear water bottle holders during a 10 km.
3:40 – Kieran and Aaron, still together, hit the 1 km mark only about 30 seconds behind the guy in the lead, who is running with a blue parachute attached to his back.
3:50 – Kieran decides that the pain in his legs is probably due to the lengthy Owl training camp, and the unsustainable pace over the first km, and decides to let Aaron go, in the interest of finishing.
12:04 – After being passed by a whole pile of people, Kieran hits the 3 km mark, takes a look back on a corner, and sees a black hat, a white singlet, and a really skinny dude. Brad!
16:14 – 4 km. With his km splits dropping about 5-10 seconds per km, panic has begun to set in. ‘Are we really only 4 km in?? My legs hurt! I think the wheels are coming off…’ Kieran thinks to himself. But also determination – new goal, get to 5 km before Brad shows up.
19:01 – Long strait stretch into a head wind, and Kieran is caught alone with no big guys to block the wind. A quick look back shows Brad (5’9 – 130 pounds soaking wet) tucked in behind a 6’2 monstrosity of a windbreak. Brad is clearly being sucked along in Shrek’s draft, and the two are closing quickly. Shrek blows by Kieran, and Brad’s shoes and breath are now clearly audible. In return, Kieran ups the pace, thinking he will break Brad with a couple of minutes of up-tempo running, as Brad clearly just spent the last 3 km playing catch up.
19:50 – It didn’t work. Brad is still closing.
20:04 – 5 km mark, and Kieran crosses it first! Brad is two steps behind, and he can smell the fear. Or the nasty stench of a quick dry shirt being sweated in.
20:15 – Brad runs up beside Kieran. The two exchange a few words – Brad: “How are you doing??” Kieran: “Not so good, think things are coming apart here…” At which point Brad thinks to himself ‘the race starts now, bucko’.
20:50 – First uphill. Okay, slight incline, as much of an uphill as exists in Kanata. Brad puts the hammer down, and Kieran tries to respond, but can’t handle the pace! 200 meters of slight uphill pavement, and Kieran has dropped 30 seconds! Despair trundles through Kieran’s head, followed by his close friends Humiliation, Pain, and finally Resolve. The four proceed to sit down, crack some beers, and have a round table discussion on how to continue the rest of the race.
26:30 – Kieran hits the 6.5 km mark in pain, but Brad is still in sight. Not close, not far, but the 150 meters separating the two seems like the Berlin Wall to Kieran. Resolve has taken control of the round table discussion, has beaten Despair and Pain into submission, and is using Humiliation as crowd control. Kieran is just trying to stay in contact.
28:33 – At 7 km, things have stabilized. Brad is no longer pulling away, but is still ahead. Kieran has stopped hemorrhaging time on each km marker. After some debate, Kieran opts to put it in cruise control, and charge up the guns for his usual Petter-Northug-esque finish, which, if he can close a few more meters, he feels it will be enough.
34:45 – At roughly 8.5 km Kieran hits the final water station – looking for Gatorade, but finds only water. No extra boost for the final 1.5 km. The distance to Brad has not closed, and Doubt has now joined Resolve and Humiliation at the party in Kieran’s brain, and he’s brought Gin and Tonics. Pain has also rallied, causing problems for Resolve, and Humiliation has passed out, offering no help.
35:05 – Kieran rounds the 3rd last corner onto a long straight section, and sees just how much distance separates him from Brad. At the same time, two dudes make a push past Kieran at a good clip – it’s now or never for the younger Jones, and he hops on the back to take a chunk out of Brad’s lead. Slowly, the gap closes as Kieran and his two new best friends creep up on Brad, who is running alone.
36:50 – At 9 km, the gap has been closed a little, but the hustle has taken its toll on Kieran. His two friends have leaped out ahead, leaving Kieran stumbling along. After some quick mental math, he realizes that to break 40 minutes (his backup goal) Kieran will have to run a 3 minute last km. Which seems unrealistic.
37:50 - Aaron finishes, far, far ahead of Kieran and Brad. He claims he spent the last 2.5 km running scared while listening for Jones' heavy breathing and characteristic finishing speed. He really didn't have to worry.
38:23 – After wallowing in self pity, a spark is suddenly injected in Kieran’s step. Brad seems to be slowing! The gap is closing at an unbelievable rate! ‘Can it be possible??’ thinks Kieran ‘Has Brad hit the wall with less than 1 km to go? Or does he know I’m here and he’s saving his speed, waiting for me to try the patented charge from the back in the last 100 meters??’ Hope has now gatecrashed the party in Kieran’s brain, and he’s brought a keg.
39:04 – Kieran rounds the second last turn, and has Brad in his sights, Top Gun style - ‘Too close, Switching to Guns’.
39:40 – In a group of 4 or 5, Brad rounds the last corner, and unbeknownst to him Kieran is only 5 meters back. At the sight of the finish line banner, Kieran rounds the corner, picks the inside of the group to keep himself hidden from Brad as long as possible, explodes through the tight pack, destroying his two friends from earlier, and leaving Brad with his ears ringing and ego shattered. Kieran’s unbelievable sprint finish kick doesn’t fail him – the last 100 meters remain his domain.
40:23 – Kieran crosses the line in 46th place, and resists the temptation to fist pump.
40:27 – Brad crosses the line in 50th place, good enough for 5th in his age category, but second in the category that mattered – The Showdown.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Stay tuned...
It seems odd to post advertising an upcoming post, but that is in fact what I am doing. There is a story involving today's epic battle, and believe me, it's a good one. There will be pictures, words, times, kilometer markers, and fiesty prose. It will be the most entertaining race report you have read in at least last week.
Stay tuned...
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Here it Comes...
Sorry for the blog hiatus - i was not kidding about the 4 day training camp. I have returned to the land of internet and blogging, and am now ready to rock. And by that, I mean do some serious sleeping that doesn't involve a thermarest and a tent.
Brad tells me he went for a run today at lunch, but just a short one. That's his taper.
Unfortunately for him, I also tapered today, opting out of the Triathlon to instead drive my van around the course blasting music while my copilot took pictures. I then consumed several eats for lunch. As of press time, photo's were not available.
In the afternoon, I again saved the legs by mostly involving myself in the chin-up section of the post-lunch strength workout. If you're in Kanata watching the 10-km, I'll be the super-jacked guy crushing Brad around the 9.9 km mark. Watch for it.
In an interesting twist, my good friend and eternal Canada Road Race nemesis, Aaron I-can-run-fast-but-haven't-been-training-much-wink Barter has been found on the start list for tomorrow's grudge match. Will he shake up the Jones' boys party? Does he have the extra Brad-beating gear? Or will his supposed lower base and lack of Nakkertok training camp doom him to toiling away in obscurity after a hot first 5 km?
The answer to all those questions and many more you probably never wanted to ask, never thought to ask, and could not imagine in your wildest dreams will be provided in roughly 12 hours.
Make like a tree...
Brad tells me he went for a run today at lunch, but just a short one. That's his taper.
Unfortunately for him, I also tapered today, opting out of the Triathlon to instead drive my van around the course blasting music while my copilot took pictures. I then consumed several eats for lunch. As of press time, photo's were not available.
In the afternoon, I again saved the legs by mostly involving myself in the chin-up section of the post-lunch strength workout. If you're in Kanata watching the 10-km, I'll be the super-jacked guy crushing Brad around the 9.9 km mark. Watch for it.
In an interesting twist, my good friend and eternal Canada Road Race nemesis, Aaron I-can-run-fast-but-haven't-been-training-much-wink Barter has been found on the start list for tomorrow's grudge match. Will he shake up the Jones' boys party? Does he have the extra Brad-beating gear? Or will his supposed lower base and lack of Nakkertok training camp doom him to toiling away in obscurity after a hot first 5 km?
The answer to all those questions and many more you probably never wanted to ask, never thought to ask, and could not imagine in your wildest dreams will be provided in roughly 12 hours.
Make like a tree...
Friday, June 25, 2010
Countdown to Showdown...
In 6 days, Kieran Jones will be going head-to-head with Brad Jones in the Canada Day 10km road race. That is 10 kilometers of gut wrenching, sweat inducing, Brad-short-shorts viewing, potential embarrassment or humiliation for Kieran. Or a mild, comfortable distance, well-paced, entertaining jog, only-to-be-annihilated-in-the-last-100-meters-by-Kieran for Brad.
I will be cataloguing Kieran's efforts to get in shape in 6 days in preparation for this epic throwdown, and the results will be available immediately.
Enjoy!
I will be cataloguing Kieran's efforts to get in shape in 6 days in preparation for this epic throwdown, and the results will be available immediately.
Enjoy!
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